Chapter 88: Flunked So Bad My Butt’s on Fire
The tall “princess” covered his face, pinched an imaginary dress hem, and spoke in a falsetto, “Hello everyone, I’m Chi Qian.”
Chi Chaoshen covered his face.
Guests: “……”
Chi Lisen: “……”
He almost sneered: “Third son, on such a good day, don’t force me to slap you in the happiest place.”
Chi Fengxiao instantly dropped the act, laughed dryly twice: “Haha, you saw through me. That’s right, I’m not Chi Qian.”
Guests: “……” Did that even need saying? They weren’t blind or deaf.
“Where’s Chi Qian?” Chi Lisen asked with a stern face.
“She’ll be here soon.”
“And when is ‘soon’?”
Chi Fengxiao thought: at least after she finds that turtle, right?
Just then, Chi Qian’s voice came from behind: “Uncle, I’m here, I’m here! You didn’t get exposed, did you?!”
Chi Fengxiao: Too late, kid.
Everyone turned their heads at once.
And there she was—a little girl in a starlight princess dress, cute and lively…
Riding a pig at full speed, swerving around the fountain as she dashed toward them.
The pig even had a bow on its head.
Everyone: ???
Chi Lisen’s brow twitched, though his expression stayed perfectly composed.
Sooner or later, he was going to have the chef roast that pig.
*
[Help, why is she riding a pig!!]
[The way she rides looks way too skilled—no way it’s her first time. Be honest, do you do this at home every day?]
[Peppa? Is that you, Peppa?! If it is, blink twice!]
[Hahaha there’s a white cockatiel nestled in her hair!]
[Wait, is that dog holding something in its mouth… a crown??]
Chi Qian rode Little Fragrant over, with Little Black and Little White escorting her, and stopped in front of Chi Lisen.
“Grandpa, I’m here!”
“…Get down from the pig, what is this supposed to look like?”
“Okay!” Chi Qian lifted her dress hem, hopped off the pig, and ran over with little steps.
Chi Lisen looked at her, face stern.
His old friends knew—this meant he was mad.
Chi Qian was doomed…
“Where’s your crown?” Chi Lisen asked.
Chi Qian looked left and right, then pulled it out of Little Black’s mouth. “Here it is! It fell on the way. I was gonna ask Third Uncle to put it on me.”
Chi Fengxiao puffed up his chest, volunteering.
Chi Lisen cut him off: “For such a small thing, why would she need you?”
Chi Fengxiao: …Wouldn’t that make it more fitting for me to do?
Chi Lisen calmly wiped the crown clean with a handkerchief, then placed it gently on Chi Qian’s head.
—After all, he’d secretly practiced many times last night.
Perfect, he thought.
[I hereby declare this the true Princess Coronation Ceremony!]
[The Chairman is so doting—he even patted her little cowlick afterward.]
[Wait—isn’t that the same crown from the auction in Country C three days ago? The one that went for 80 million?!]
[I just checked the news—it is!]
[Chi Qian really just wore a few luxury bathrooms on her head!!]
[I peeked at Gu Hua’s party—she’s doing a piano solo, pretty good actually.]
What about Chi Qian’s performance?
She’d kept it a secret, and no one had seen her practice. Even Chi Fengxiao and Chi Chaoshen didn’t know what talent she was going to show.
Chi Qian stood on stage, hands behind her back:
“Thank you everyone for coming to my birthday. I don’t have much of a talent, so I’ll just perform…”
She paused. Her fanboys, led by Shen Jiashu, looked eager.
Then she said: “The Tranquility Chant.”
The livestream chat: ???
Everyone: ???
Did she just say… a chant??
They thought they’d misheard—until the next second, Chi Qian pulled out a wooden fish drum, set it on the table, and started knocking.
Dong. Dong dong dong—
Chaotic, untrained sounds rang across the entire lawn.
Just like the chaos in everyone’s hearts.
[I’m so confused—my mom just asked me why I’m watching a temple livestream.]
[I’m dying. It’s a mess, but you can kinda tell—it really is the Tranquility Chant.]
[Show some respect, people. So what if she’s bad at it? At least she’s consistent—maybe it’ll keep getting worse!]
[The Chairman’s smile just transferred onto my own face.]
And just like that, Chi Qian shot up the trending charts.
Without spending a dime.
I mean, seriously—who in their right mind chooses wooden fish chanting as their birthday talent show?
But the result was unexpectedly perfect.
Most of the older guests loved Buddhist chanting and healthy living, with prayer beads dangling from their wrists.
Chi Qian’s “talent” hit the sweet spot.
As for the young ones—it was just too novel. Nobody had ever done this at a birthday party before. What a lazy yet genius hack!
She was cool!
Shen Jiashu: “Dad, does a wooden fish count as a musical instrument?”
Shen Jing: “Of course. It’s a percussion instrument. Qian Qian is very creative—daring and bold.”
Shen Jiashu grew thoughtful, “Dad, next month on your birthday, I’ll perform a creative talent for you too!”
“What talent?”
“The suona.”
“……”
Chi Lisen was equally baffled. He turned to his two sons: “Which one of you taught her that?”
Chi Chaoshen and Chi Fengxiao both shook their heads frantically. Not me. Definitely not me!
Chi Lisen remembered his eldest son’s comment: Chi Qian is exceptionally gifted.
But in what way exactly—so gifted that she chose to publicly become a monk?
When Chi Qian finished her chanting, the adults were basically at peace, minds empty, practically ready to shave their heads and join a temple.
The young crowd, however, was fired up.
As soon as Chi Qian stepped down, they swarmed around her.
“Chi Qian, where’d you learn to knock a wooden fish like that? I wanna learn too—it looked so cool!”
“Back when my mom made me pick an instrument, why didn’t I think of this?”
“Piano, guitar, cello—none of them beat your little wooden fish!”
“Add me on WeChat, we can exchange talents later!”
Anyone else would’ve been overwhelmed by the questions, but Chi Qian just said: “Don’t copy me. If you’re good at it, people’ll burn with rage. If you’re bad at it, your butt will catch fire.”
Everyone: “Hahahaha you’re hilarious!”
“Hey, let’s play a game!” someone suggested. “I saw some water guns over there. How about we split into teams and have a water-gun battle?”
Chi Qian glanced over. Those were the high-powered electric automatic long-range water guns her third uncle had bought her—large tanks, powerful shots. The only difference from real guns was that they didn’t kill people.
And the water inside was dyed with colors—hit someone, and the mark was obvious.
These guys are pretty daring, she thought.
The others quickly agreed: “We’ve got nothing else to do, let’s go!”
“Chi Qian, who are you teaming up with?”
Shen Jiashu and Yuan You’er squeezed in.
“Me! Princess, team up with me!”
“No, team with me! I’ll protect you!”
In the end, they settled on teams of six, with each round sending out one fighter at a time.
Chi Qian’s team was: Shen Jiashu, Yuan You’er, Luo Zichuan, Qi Lan, and Shi Jianchen.
Shen Jiashu went to mix the paint, asking Chi Qian which color she wanted so he could load it for her.
Chi Qian: “I want poop-yellow.”
“Got it, poop-yell—wait, what??” Shen Jiashu froze.
Everyone else felt a sudden chill down their spines.
